It is always difficult to divorce, but if you do not repeat these mistakes, you can survive it a little less painful.
It is in your power to shorten the rehabilitation period, get back on your feet as soon as possible. Just do not repeat the mistakes of others. We tell you how not to behave immediately after a break in a long relationship.
Never begin new relations with an ex
Even if you broke up without beating family service and tank attack. Sex with the former is psychologically more comfortable than a relationship with a new man – everything is familiar, it calms us because we are conservative by nature and are afraid of change. But this situation feeds the dangerous illusion that you have divorced not in the right way, that the relationship continues, that he still loves you, that very soon everything will become as before. No, it will not.
Otherwise, you would not decide on a divorce. Regularly staying overnight with the former, you cut the tail into pieces. Sooner or later the moment will come when you find someone’s female deodorant in his bathroom, and you cannot avoid the ugly scene of insults. Although it would seem, he has every right to flood his apartment with both deodorants and their owners. Also, this way you are blocking the prospect of meeting someone else. To open a new door, you need to close the previous one. You need to shut and slap boards.
Start a new novel
Very often, after broken relationships, people want to kill this bitter taste. And women rush to look for someone new. First, to mark the end of the old relationship, and second, to wipe the nose of someone who did not appreciate them. But, since your head will be busy for some time digesting a love failure, you won’t have the resources for a new love. Post-divider bonds are usually short-lived, dull and do not bring joy to anyone.
Insulting your ex-husband
It is tempting to tell the whole world what a mess happened between you. How not appreciated, humiliated, cheated and rowdy you are. You need to face it. Not all these details are particularly impressive even to close friends. They have long understood that your ex is not the best option for you, there is no need to consolidate the material covered.
Do not blame yourself
Of course, we are all wrong. Surely you freaked out a lot of things while you were married. Your ex invested in it no less, or even more than you (although the percentage of investments here is not particularly relevant). You should not claim yourself and bang your head against the wall. If you think you did something wrong – great, don’t do that anymore. And that’s all. You would be divorced, even if you were the perfect Victorian wife, accept it as a fact.
Do not watch after him
Modern technologies provide the broadest possibilities for this. And now, from morning till night, you graze on his page on social networks, meticulously reviewing the accounts of each his friends. This is a straight six-lane highway to the most profound neurosis and reputation of the lady who lost her head.
Children suffer the most
In the recent past, divorces were condemned by society. A person initiating a divorce would not make a career for himself, and from a legal point of view, it was not so easy.
Now the statistics are as follows: up to 40% of marriages in Indiana break up, and by the number of divorces, our state is third in America.
Between 60 and 90 percent of spouses are separated during the first five years. About 70% of children grow up in single-parent families.
It is clear that divorce is, first of all, a problematic psychological test for all family members. The main participants of this drama are adults. They are searching for the guilty, and they divide property, make up the schedules of “parenting days,” try to arrange a new life.
But children suffer the most. As a rule, no one asks their opinions, and they are forced to observe the actions of their parents and silently continue to love them. They like both, as a rule, not dividing the parents into the one who is right and who is to blame.
How to behave with a child
No matter how difficult the situation is for adults, each of the parents needs to think about how to act with the child in order not to injure him even more, but rather to reduce the risk of psychological problems to a minimum. Naturally, the style of behavior of parents depends on the age of the child and the relationship in the family before the onset of unpleasant events. But there are some general recommendations for those dads and moms who want to raise their children happy and after a divorce. These are certain points, but they elude the attention of adults.
Do not “live for the sake of …” First, you need to understand that divorce itself is a natural part of life. Sometimes love and respect goes away, and a joint project called “marriage” cracks at the seams. Children are close to their parents, who hardly understand each other, have an ample supply of offenses and complaints, regularly find out the relationship, but stay together because of the children, dedicating to them their unhappy life. It makes no sense.
Parents are angry even more at each other, and sometimes at children.
Of course, there are situations where, with some effort, the family can be saved, since love and feelings can be restored. But on the condition that people are still able to be at the same level of values, speak and hear each other.
Once, an adult and independent woman, hear a question: “What was the tradition of celebrating holidays in your family?” She said that her parents kept the family only for her and her brother. They just pretended that they had a family: they didn’t swear, but they didn’t talk to each other either. Celebrating the New Year, they set up a Christmas tree, blew out the candles, making a wish, and after an hour they went to their rooms. And she and her brother were alone.
They had dinner together in silence. And the moment when her mother hugged her, she remembers only once, and that was when she was in the hospital. The rest of the time, the woman simply pushed the child away from herself. And not at all because she did not love her daughter, but it was difficult for her to show emotions and feelings in the current situation when it was necessary to “keep herself in hand” 24 hours a day.
“It would be better if they divorced – at least someone would be happy. And so, I do not even know how to call such a life,” she concluded her story. Children get an example of the relationship between a man and a woman in the family.
Do not denigrate each other. You should never involve children in clarifying your relationship. Even if you are the most excellent mother, and he is a sick father, the worst thing you can do is tell the child about it from morning until night.
Of course, if the situation is such that the father, declining in the life of a child, decides not to communicate with him, then the child should be told about this. Say that it happened and it’s not his fault. Because a small child easily “overturns” the events and is sure that everything happened because of him. He thinks that he behaved severely, did not study well, did not make his parent happy, and therefore he was abandoned.
But a situation in which a woman, wanting to punish a man for all offenses, deprives him of the right to communicate with a child, is unacceptable. Even if you try to understand it, then in this situation it becomes more comfortable for nobody. Who remains punished? The man is entirely free, the child is deprived of communication with the parent, and all responsibility for the baby lies only with the mother.